Interesting Prescription The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy bum." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!" Asserting Himself A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker." Dress Code Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company." The Witness An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?" Foiled Carjacking An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman. No charges were filed. MEN..Who knew? Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. New Principal As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" Exchange The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. "My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?" 10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure," he says. So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it." Ice Cream Flavors The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically. "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry." 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |