Cross Examination A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. 
Drop Dead Poker Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
Understading Flies A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Car Company Names AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented All Un-informed Drivers Insulted All Unnecessary Devices Installed BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORD Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Had One Never Did Again Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment SAAB Send Another Automobile Back TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless
A Dollar Per Point A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Arresting Mom A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
The Great Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Computer Gender Why computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. Why computers should be considered feminine: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Homone Hostage The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |