What is Kitty? A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." 
Two Alligators Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the manure out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the manure out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but the hind quarters and a briefcase."
Life's Crazy Rules * Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. * Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale. * Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location. * Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. * Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. * Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Live-In Maid A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
Hotel Guest Mary Poppins Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam," he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly, madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Irish Clergy An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked: "What would you be if you were not Scot?" The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!" Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: "And what would you be were you not an Irishman?" The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of myself!"
Silent Treatment Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up." Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests
Words from Women If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli I think--therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem
Money Problems A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars." At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line." The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!" "Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father. The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly." The father says, "Oh, good. YOU send him the money!"
Marry Me An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
Speeding A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
Veterinary Clinic Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion." The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!" The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."
Her Cheatin' Heart Twilight star Kristen Stewart has issued a public apology for cheating on her boyfriend Robert Pattinson, with married director Rupert Sanders. You knew the married guy was going to get caught, come on. It's one thing to come home with a hickey on your neck - but when you have those two puncture wounds... that's a sign! ~ Jay Leno
Heavy Metal A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.' ~ Conan O'Brien
Waiting in Line A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Founding Fathers The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day. Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it? Father2: Shall I open the window? Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves. Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution? Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work? Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
Golf Natural A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
Josh Who? My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name. Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply. So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."
Physics A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
Eye Laugh Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride, from Dayton, Ohio, to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each grandson a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute." 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |