Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA - Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. - Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. - Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. - Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! - Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) - (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something..... - I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. - Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car). - This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway... - It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. - We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!.. - Don't worry! That one is always on E... - Get the parachutes ready... - Drinks are on me... - I'll have what the Captain's having... - Hey capt'n take another hit man... 
The Critical Barber So the guy goes in to his barber. He's all excited, and says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope!" The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people." So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, "How was it?" "Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!" "You met the Pope?" asked the barber. "I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring." "And what did he say?" "He said, 'Where did you get that crummy haircut?'"
The Intelligent Blonde An intelligent blonde was opening her morning paper, when she noticed a page filled from top to bottom with blonde jokes. Needless to say, this put her in a very bad mood, which continued as she drove to work. On her way there, she happened to glance out the driver's side window, where there was a vast field of tall grass. In the middle of the field sat another blonde in a rowboat, pulling away at the oars as fast as she could go, even though the boat, naturally, wasn't moving. The intelligent blonde pulled over, jumped out of her car, and shouted to the blonde in the rowboat, "It's blondes like you who give us all a bad name!" The blonde in the rowboat paused in her rowing and shouted back, "Yeah? Well if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
Get a Haircut A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied,"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Good Night, Good Bye A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
High Blood Pressure When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Little Girl Walking Home From School A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
Bumpers Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
Blonde Riding a Horse A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wal-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
A Walk by The Sea A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!" 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |