You Know You Need A New Lawyer When... - When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway. - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. - He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. - He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. - He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. 
The Procrastinator's Creed 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
The Toaster Oven One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
The Gas Men Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Caught Stealing A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
True Story William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators, recently lost his job when it was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
Ponderings Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Motorcycle Insurance A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
Missing Cell Phone A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. "Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?"
A Cowboy's Guilde to Live 1. Don't squat with your spurs on. 2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none. 3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. 4. Always drink upstream from the herd. 5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions. 6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. 7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there. 8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. 9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. 10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Borrowed the Car After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Vultures Are Flying As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Too Helpful Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful. To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce. As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor." His attorney advised him to plead guilty.
Dear Abby The following are a few letters sent to Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer: Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Baste A Turkey A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
Who Would Know The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"
Military Language The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Inventions Bound to Fail *The water-proof towel *Glow in the dark sunglasses *Solar powered flashlights *Submarine screen doors *A book on how to read *Inflatable dart boards *A dictionary index *Dehydrated water - Just add water *Waterproof tea bags *The helicopter ejector seat
Explaining the Flag A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
Kids Understand Love Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word. "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings." "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." "Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay." "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird." "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." "You can break love, but it won't die." 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |