Special Price One day, a woman walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the woman says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the woman says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the woman, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the woman, "book my husband for next Tuesday!" 
Lamaze Class The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Unusual Clothing A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
Hubble Photograph of Distant Galaxies Colliding The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
The Rabbit The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Things That Needed to Be Said On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James
Playing Blind Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." "But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
Seeing Eye Dog I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to take a walk." Picture this... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
Florida Voting What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol'.
Election Outcome Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It's important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever.
Insignificant Thoughts Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name. Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt. It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich. Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself. How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath? Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to? You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance. Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public. It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory. Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself. Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid? I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up. To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn? Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle. My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think. You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher. If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today. The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey. There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust. One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator. I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads. Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what? Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes? Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum? I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.
Computer Novices Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to Microsoft's help center shows there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
Ponder These 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? 10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right . 11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes? 15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? 16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Good Treatment Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses. "Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife". "I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier." Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?". "This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk !".
Cooperation At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Bad Brakes Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked. "My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?" "Where are you?" John asked. "I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded. "And where's the car?" John asked. Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
Handicapped Parking You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap: - I don't read good. - I suffer from terminal laziness. - I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh? - My inner child was bugging me for ice cream. - My shoes are too expensive to walk in. - Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair! - My religion forbids acts of common courtesy. - I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one? - I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego.
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace - Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. - Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. - Insist that your e-mail address is "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. - Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. - Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) - Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. - Come to work in your pajamas. - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." - Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. - Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) - Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. - Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. - Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. - Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." - No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." - Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." - Plant a hedge around your cubicle. - Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. - Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. - Grow mold in your coffee cup. - When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get coffee. - Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." - Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. - Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. - Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. - Talk into your daytimer. - Put a picture of your mother on your business card. - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. - E-mail nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet. - Hang mistletoe over your desk. - Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night." - Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive". - Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. - Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. - For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. - Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc. in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." - Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Account from a Kansas State Trooper I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on US 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of? She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"
What I've Learned *I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. *I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. *I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |