Useful Work Phrases - Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. - The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. - I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. - Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. - I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. - I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. - What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? - I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. - I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. - I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. - It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off. - Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. - No, my powers can only be used for good. - How about never? Is never good for you? - I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. - You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. - I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 
Going Fast A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and, indeed, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
You Work in Corporate America If... - You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. - Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. - Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. - Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um. - You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes. - When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. - You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. - You learn about your layoff on CNN. - Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. - You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. - Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. - You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. - It's dark when you drive to and from work. - Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. - Communication is something your group is having problems with. - You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor. - Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet. - Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home. - Art involves a white board. - You're already late on the assignment you just got.
A Deep Rooted Delusion Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
Dumb There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth." The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot." The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner." The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off. The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave." Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing. Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it." Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."
Free Drinks The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
The Good Ol' Days A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
Airliner in Violent Thunderstorm An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. "Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily. "I'm sorry ma'am," the reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
Army Cadet A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
New Drugs on the Market St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out. Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games 10. Musical Recliners 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 8. Hide and Go Pee 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 6. Doc, Doc Goose 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 4. Kick the Bucket 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 1. Sag, You're It!
World's Thinnest Books America's Most Popular Lawyers Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches How to Get to The Super Bowl - by Dan Marino Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates My Plan to Find the Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson Things I Would Not Do for Money - by Dennis Rodman The Wild Years - by Al Gore Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean Detroit - a Travel Guide Everything Men Know about Women Everything Women Know about Men George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names To All the Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen Degeneres Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette Spotted Owl Recipes - by the EPA The Amish Phone Directory
Half Full or Half Empty? To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Mystic and Logic An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked. "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer." "Yes - so what?" "Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how does it know?"
A little smart Prayer? Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Ridiculous Job Interview Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the young accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars" "Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Excuse for Speeding This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day. He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming. The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go." So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
Definition of a Million A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "a million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God. Can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
Ditch Diggers Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Driving Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |