Maiden Name Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied. "Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house." 
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. - Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. - Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness! - Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? - Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie. - Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? - Darn, there go the lights again... - You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them. - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! - Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. - What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! - Anyone see where I left that scalpel? - This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card? - Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough. - What do you mean "You want a divorce"! - She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
Mom's Time Out My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Weddings and Funerals Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Salesmen Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
Expensive Doctor A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Juan the Smuggler Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico. "Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" "Bicycles," Juan says.
Bad Combinations Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker And last, but not least . . my personal favorite: 13. Thongs and Depends. Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Interesting Clock While proudly showing of his new apartment to friends one night a ticked-off Ted led the way to his bedroom where pride of place was given to a large brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the speaking clock',"Ted replied. "How does it work? "I'll show you," Ted said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded dodger. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For goodness sake you idiot, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!" 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |