What Will You Do For Golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."



Perspective
Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never had broken ribs.



Jokes or Me
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or the internet.

So sadly, this will be my last joke.

... in which I talk about having a wife.



Really Drunk
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."



Spot On
I tried that thing today at the gas station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on $20.03.

"Rats!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, pal," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."

"Thanks, pal," I said as I handed him my ten bucks and split.



Past Tense
I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'



Don't Wanna Miss It
I was at a once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I got an urgent call from the wife saying her mum's been hit by a bus and has only hours to live.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm at the hospital and the wife's hugging me. "Thank-you darling, I'm so sorry you'll miss your football."

"Don't worry, love, I wouldn't miss this - I'm taping it and I'll watch it later."

Dunno why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.



Expensive
Have you seen how expensive funerals are nowadays?

Just before I die, I'm going to change my name to 'OFF'. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers:

R.I.P. OFF



Careful What You Wish For
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"



Things To Do At Wal-Mart When You're Bored
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares, "and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera. Use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while. Then, yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


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Adult Jokes