Inner Wisdom Revealed 1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. 5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal. 6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. 7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. 8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. 9. Joan of Arc heard voices too. 10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. 11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. 12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. 13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. 14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. 
College Student A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ....." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for the next generation???"
Funny Oneliners When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?" NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't? I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage dew". Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace. Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores. We're going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't know where or when. I think you could say the same thing about tornadoes. I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in. How dangerous could a fax be, if the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words. My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap? A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken. There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair. The president has said that inflation has been arrested. He should check . . . I think it's out on bail. The next time you pay your property taxes, remember every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime. You know times are tough when the school system is recruiting school bus drivers in the lobby of traffic court. Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other. When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
Institution Criteria During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug." "So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"
The Doctor Visit A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you." She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?" The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
Boring Library Book Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
Supermarket Trip In the supermarket was a man with a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
The Navy Cure for Snoring By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better!" The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Where's Barney A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
The Deep Hole These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing. So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound. Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing. Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?" And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here." "Naw," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie." 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Adult Jokes |